If I Could Turn Back Time: Semester Recap of Kickin It With Kenna

Hey Everyone,
So I know its finals week and everyone is stressing and getting super pumped to go home. But if you have some downtime I wanted to just give a quick recap of the topics we’ve covered this semester. Also this post will give those of you who haven’t been tuning in a cheat sheet.

First off we all learned how we live in a rape culture. As a refresher a rape culture is
“a complex of beliefs that encourages male sexual aggression and supports violence against women. It is a society where violence is seen as sexy and sexuality as violent. In a rape culture, women perceive a continuum of threatened violence that ranges from sexual remarks to sexual touching to rape itself. A rape culture condones physical and emotional terrorism against women as the norm.”
So if we want to lower the occurrence of sexual assault, we must first target our thinking surrounding sex and dating and respect.

Next, we learned about relationship abuse and how it is prevalent on campuses because of the secrecy that surrounds it and its taboo nature. If you are in an abusive relationship, emotional or physically abusive, remember that you are not alone and there are people here to help you. Also remember the golden rules of healthy relationships. As your relationship is one which CATERS to both you and your partner.
COMMUNICATION, AUTONOMY, TRUST AND HONESTY, EQUALITY AND FAIRNESS, RESPECT, SUPPORT

Then we covered the importance of consent when performing intimate acts with individuals. So a reminder for you all:

Consent is a mutual agreement, based on a shared desire for specific sexual activities; An ongoing verbal interaction, taken one step at a time, to an expressed and honest yes; Mutual awareness of possible consequences of activities; Each partner remains open to and respects the other partner’s expression of agreement or disagreement to engage in the activity.
And there are sexy ways to ask for consent so try your hand at dirty talk and the like, find what works for you and voices your idea so that it can be safely and consensually returned

Next, we discussed being aware of our surroundings especially the environment of college parties and how this is something to be aware of. We should all be looking at the people we surround ourselves with and realizing that sometimes we aren’t as safe as we assume.
We then discussed the importance of self care, which I hope you have been practicing this week with finals. If you don’t know, then I suggest at some point today you take 15 minutes and do something you really like doing, whether its sleep, read, go get coffee or go outside for a walk. It can be anything you desire as long as it’s healthy for you.
The next topic we discussed went along similarly with self care when we discussed self worth. The most important lesion to learn being that before you enter into a relationship you both should love yourselves just as much. Not meaning you both have to be conceited but that you cannot invest in another until you know your own worth.
After these sections about self awareness we then discussed safety planning for those who are in a dangerous relationship. It is better to be prepared than to hope for your situation to not grow. So, if you are in an abusive relationship take some time and make an emergency safety plan so that if you ever needed it you would have an idea of what you were doing. And remember the guidelines to ask yourself when planning.
Safety Planning Guidelines:
• If I feel unsafe I can…
• If I need a safe place I can go I can…
• Once my abuser has left I can do the following to help keep myself safe…
• If I am injured as a result of my abuser I can…
• For more long term help I can…

We then covered the issue of stalking on college campuses which is growing to be more of an issue. So for those of you who don’t know Stalking is described as
• Threatening safety. Following, approaching, or confronting the targeted person.
• Appearing with no legitimate purpose at or around a place where a person can be found, including a residence, workplace, or school.
• Causing damage to property
• Placing an object on the person’s property, either directly or through a third person
• Causing an injury to a family pet
• Acts of communication that are harassing to the individual e.g. letters, packages, electronic transmissions, etc. Engaging in acts which would constitute stalking after having been advised by a law enforcement officer that the person’s acts were in violation of the stalking statute.

So if someone is doing any of the following to you please contact the police or a crisis organization.
The last topic was in addressing stress and finals which I urge you all to read how I personal stay unstressed, procrastinate some yet still complete my assignments.

 

So there it all is, a full semester of discussions with me. I hope you all have enjoyed tuning in to hear my opinion on these issues that are important us all, not just as college students, but as people who are involved in this rape culture every day. For those of you who are just reading this blog for the first time if you scroll down you will see all of the posts explained in depth. It has been so great to write these blog posts for you all. I hope you not only spread the word about this blog, but about SHARPP as well, the more resources we provide the safer individuals will feel.

So Happy Holidays toyou all and Good Luck with your finals!!
Tune in next time on Kickin It With Kenna!

 

Drawing the line: Stop Stalking on college campuses

Hey everyone,

So today I wanted to talk about an issue that I know is commonly overlooked on college campuses. STALKING. While most of you feel that stalking is out of a lifetime movie and does not occur on college campuses, today I’ll be discussing the real side of stalking which is terrifying and unfortunate.

Stalking is a type of abuse that many men and women joke about especially with the creation of Facebook. I know many individuals that say they “stalk” their exes and their new flings or relationships on Facebook, tracking down old girlfriends/boyfriends and start tearing them apart to make themselves feel better. While I am not claiming that this act is stalking I will say that we as a culture should really look at what we call stalking and how we view our technology use. The “creeping” we all do on Facebook with each other is now second nature because social media gives us the idea to share our personal lives while providing the means for others to watch and not be seen. The problem with this is that while most of us using these social networking sites only use this kind of approach sparingly and without intending to do harm, there are people who think opposite.

I would love to think the world is full of only sunshine and rainbows but there is an unfortunate downside to our culture as it is still a rape culture. In our society we have made it seem acceptable to deem a partner as property. The partner who is more prevalent in the case of stalking, relationship abuse, and sexual assault is the woman as she is often demeaned and seen as the submissive in our society. In this kind of domination there are certain individuals who then act on this premise that they own an individual, despite the fact that no human being is owned, and begin to stalk individuals. Being a community where people are constantly in and out of relationships and the internet being as intrusive as it is with peoples’ lives, the presence of stalking is not one that should be overlooked.

The upsetting fact is that “One in 6 women (16.2%) and 1 in 19 men (5.2%) in the United States have experienced stalking victimization at some point during their lifetime in which they felt very fearful or believed that they or someone close to them would be harmed or killed.” which the New Hampshire Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence reported from the  The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS), 2010. 

I was personally shocked by the number of people reported in this study who would experience stalking as I bet many of you are which is why we should be spreading the word not discrediting the act as something that will never happen. Stalking is non-discriminating meaning that it can happen regardless of age, race, gender, sexual orientation, ethnic or economic background. Essentially meaning that we are all at risk for stalking as it can be by an acquaintance, someone you have been intimate with or someone you are dating as statistics state that 77 % of female victims and 67% of male victims claim they knew their stalker. The NHCADSV also reported that out of these stalking cases 87% of stalkers are male and 78% of victims are female which follows the idea of the power dynamic I was discussing previously. There are cases of female stalkers and male victims which I will not discredit as they are just as disheartening and upsetting. However, I focus on the male stalker and female victims because statistics show a strong concentration of male stalkers and female victims which can be accredited to our rape culture environment.

It is important to know that individuals stalk as a way to gain control of an individual, to monitor them and try to establish a connection with them that they either cannot have or never will have. So as a community, I believe we should all be more attuned to our safety on campus and really look at the people around us. I’m not saying that everyone on campus is a stalker but after hearing the statistics above and realizing how many people will be affected I think it’s important for people to stop responding with denial when it comes to this behavior. Stalking can, has, and will happen on college campuses and in the world in general not just in movies and it is a horrific experience that no one should have to go through.

For those of you who are unsure about the acts related to stalking the New Hampshire Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence provides the definition of the acts of conduct on their website stating that stalking consists of the following:

• Threatening safety. Following, approaching, or confronting the targeted person.
• Appearing with no legitimate purpose at or around a place where a person can be found, including a residence, workplace, or school.
• Causing damage to property
• Placing an object on the person’s property, either directly or through a third person
• Causing an injury to a family pet
• Acts of communication that are harassing to the individual e.g. letters, packages, electronic transmissions, etc. Engaging in acts which would constitute stalking after having been advised by a law enforcement officer that the person’s acts were in violation of the stalking statute.

If an individual is performing any of these acts against you it is stalking. If you are being stalked you are not at fault and you should not accept the behavior and ignore it but reach out and seek help. Stalking is dangerous and can escalate depending on the situation so I think we should all be knowledgeable of these facts. As much as we as a community say it’ll never happen to us, it will not reduce the chances of stalking cases. Anyone can be the target of a stalker, and those who are being stalked need to know that it is acceptable to reach out for help.

There are safety plans on both the SHARPP website and the NHCADSV website which I will post below. Also SHARPP advocates are trained to help students and faculty through the process of gaining protective orders and handling emergency situations regarding stalking making them an important resource for this issue. Also January is National Stalking Awareness Month so stay tuned for more information in a month or so!

So remember to put yourself first and realize how important your safety is and know that there are some individuals who mean more than a joke and are dangerous and do not forget that there are people who are eager to help.

http://www.nhcadsv.org/whatis_stalking.cfm

New Hampshire Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence

http://unh.edu/sharpp/stalking

SHARPP

 

All of the statistics used in this blog were from the NHCADSV, link posted above. Images were gathered from goggle images.

Rock The Vote!

Hey Everyone,

So as we all know tomorrow is NATIONAL ELECTION DAY! Now most people I hear from have mixed emotions on the day ranging from “OMG I can’t wait!” to “I can’t wait till it’s finally over”

What I’m going to write about today isn’t going to tell you who to vote for because that is not going to help anyone. Every person has their opinion to who they think should be in charge of our country and I’m not going to dispute that. However, I am going to tell you to vote regardless because IT IS IMPORTANT!!

Yesterday I walked down the Hoco stairs and heard a girl say,

“Well it’s not like my vote matters so whatever!”

Whatever?!? Doesn’t Matter?!?

If everyone in our generation thought this and didn’t vote then Yes she’d right, it wouldn’t matter because we’d never be heard. This election is one that is going to heavily impact our generation: our job opportunities, our rights, our future!
This election has caused a lot of controversy over what issues people deem important social or economic. My personal opinion is that while our economy is important and the recession we experienced is very real, social issues are what will drive us either forward or backward. And yes, this is a personal opinion because I know for my current job and for my career future social issues are going to be a deal breaker. Others are free to think otherwise. However, today I’m writing this post so we all can think about our futures because the next president is one that will impact them greatly.

I’m not suggesting for us all to forget the deficit and ignore the hardships others have endured because of the economy. I only suggest that when you vote you consider other opinions as well.

What you want to do when you are out of college?

How you want the country, the world to look?

Look to the future not the numbers being thrown at you from all sides because both sides are reciting them with inaccuracies. Think about personal freedoms that you believe in. Take the time to research which candidate embodies your beliefs of how you feel women, men, the poor, the rich, LBGTQ+ should be treated. These are the people who are in our country, these are the people who will be voting alongside you to try and create a better country.

This election shouldn’t be about the numbers you heard on the radio because as I said previously both sides are reporting ones that are not exactly true. It takes a lot of research to truly figure out where each candidate is coming from in terms of their spending. I know some of you won’t agree on this but I place the value of human life over any dollar amount. I realize that is because of my studies and my background. For others who better understand the economy and business issues I can understand the drive to focus on these amounts and don’t chastise them for doing so. I just want us all to remember that beneath the numbers are people. People who struggle, who thrive, who suffer and who excel. When you go to vote tomorrow remember that as well, we are a country that was founded on the idea of independence and the institution of personal freedoms, don’t forget that those are just as important as money.

So please go out and vote, not because of the commercials, debates, signs and chalkings. Go out and vote because you need to have your voice be heard. Don’t sit around and think that this doesn’t matter because the next president will be the one who is deciding not just your future but the country’s.

GO VOTE!

images obtained from google image search

It’s Gettin Hot In Here So Take Off…I Mean Can I Take It Off Please?

Hi everyone,

Today I’m going to talk about the importance of communication and consent. So my last post already mentioned this but for those of you just reading now October is Relationship Abuse Awareness Month. So for this post I’m going to continue the theme with the importance of communication and consent.

What is consent? This is a term that may be new to many first year students or to individuals who are not yet aware of SHARPP’s consent campaign.

Consent is

A mutual agreement, based on a shared desire for specific sexual activities;

An ongoing verbal interaction, taken one step at a time, to an expressed and honest yes;

Mutual awareness of possible consequences of activities;

Each partner remains open to and respects the other partner’s expression of agreement or disagreement to engage in the activity.

This means the act of requesting and receiving permission before performing or engaging in a sexual act. Now to many this seems obvious because most of us believe we would never force ourselves on anyone. However, this simple act of getting consent is one of the hardest things for others to truly grasp especially in the sexually charged environment of college campuses. Yes we are all here for school or we at least have fooled our parents and teachers and in some cases ourselves to believe so. The issue is that this environment is different than many others you’ll encounter in your life. College campuses like UNH are campus towns where the majority of the population are college students, UNH has 13,00 students (grad and undergrad) this means that essentially we are all part of a closed community of people our age. This being the case I’d compare our perception of this environment to that of a fish in water. Most of us don’t look and analyze what’s around us because we all are swimming in the same pond and assume because of this that we think the same.

Now you may be asking how does communication and consent come into this analogy. Well I ask you to imagine the last encounter you had with someone of your preferred gender or orientation. When you were last with them did you ask to hug them or just do it because you assumed it was what you both wanted because you wanted to. Now this is an extremely generalized and casual situation so know now that I am not telling you all hugging without permission is a form of sexual assault or that I’m asking you all to ask to hug people for the rest of your lives. This example is purely for a less graphic vision for some individuals around consent. The reason I use this example is because there are some people who will always ask for some kinds of contact and others that assume if they want it both individuals do.

However, I am discussing consent situations which are a lot more serious than a hug and become impaired by a substance that is actively present in our environment, alcohol.

So when someone is thinking about being intimate with another person I will assume that the individual wants them to be involved as well. Now what is the best way to assure that you may ask…okay I won’t leave you waiting it is asking for consent.

This is just as simple as a game of mad gab for some “hey [insert name] would you like to [insert verb] with me?” But for others asking becomes lost in the heat of the moment but I am here to say that while we all don’t want to ‘ruin the mood’ asking for consent is anything but a mood ruiner. You can use dirty talk or sweet talk it doesn’t matter but the whole idea is when you ask it’s even hotter because it shows you care about the other person’s pleasure and comfort. No one wants to be with someone who powers through without checking in with them. Human beings and intimate partners need active listening and communication to truly make a connection. Also if we ask for consent it only protects everyone’s best interest.

I understand that to some it may seem awkward and you may think “what if they get mad that I don’t want to do said action or if they don’t want to do that with me” but the golden thing to remember is that you should never feel threatened or scared to voice what you want especially when you are intimate with someone. Also another point to cover is what consent is not because you should never feel forced or threatened into saying yes because that is not true consent. Below are the methods some perpetrators will use to bully their survivor.

Consent is not…

• Cooperation – This occurs when someone says “yes” because she/he is too scared or intimidated to say “no”;
• Compliance – This occurs when someone says “yes” because giving in physically/mentally is the easiest thing to do to avoid conflict;
• Power – This occurs when there is an imbalance of physical size and strength, or of status or authority, it can feel impossible to honestly express desires and limits;
• Coercion – This occurs when one gets another to say “yes” by threatening, forcing, manipulating, intimidating, pressuring, blackmailing, drugging, and getting him or her drunk.

Every person has their own limits (things that they don’t feel comfortable exploring or doing with an individual ever or if they do not know them well enough) so keep that in mind. Also know that asking is only half of the battle because the key to consent is hearing the word yes. No response is not consent and even though it seems redundant to repeat No means No, not later or just keep going. If your partner does not respond to you asking for consent to perform an intimate act he best course is to stop and look at them and repeat and state that if they do not want to it is okay. By asking and waiting for a reply you have shown your partner you are actively listening to them as we’ll as giving them full control of themselves showing them you care about their pleasure as much as your own. That is true effective intimate communication.

So far I have discussed sober consent but the biggest message I can send to you all is the idea of ‘consensual drunk intimate acts.’ According to the law, SHARPP, UNH’s community and many other sources drunk sex is not consensual sex.

Once a person is intoxicated by alcohol and/or other drugs, she/he cannot legally give consent, even if she/he appears to give consent or verbally says “yes.” If someone you are with is having difficulty walking or talking, is throwing up, passed out, or just generally unaware of what’s going on, that person cannot legally give consent.

Now while some might sit there and start trying to disprove me I’ll explain why this is stated. It is no surprise that alcohol is prominent in the college environment. And I assume as many of you know alcohol is a mind altering substance. When you are drunk you can lose inhibitions and the ability to make rational decisions, performing actions that your conscious mind wouldn’t agree to and doesn’t realize is occurring. Now imagine this state when being intimate with someone. I will make a generalization that you have spoken with someone under the influence or know someone who has. In my experience the conversation doesn’t always go so well. This is depending how much they have drank so for now assume they are over the legal limit. A drunk person in most situations stumbles, can’t form coherent sentences, can’t see straight, and forgets things if the drinking was serious enough. So after learning about consent above how do you think they would be able to give consent let alone ask for it. There are many situations involving sexual assault on college campuses within relationships and outside of them that revolve around the issue of alcohol. So this statement of drunk sex not being consensual is in place to protect the survivor of assault who should not be blamed for their alcohol content but helped because they were taken advantage of in this state.

So overall consent is the best form of communication when with a partner whom you are serious with or not. With this post I want you to remember this and realize that it never hurts to ask permission and consent can be sexy you just have to practice. Below are some of those mad gab phrases I was mentioning earlier take a stab at it right now after you read use your sexy voice, your sweet one whichever feels comfortable and realize that once that person says yes to you it feels better.

Sexy consent phrases

I’d really like to hug / kiss / …… you. Would you like to?

Do you like it when I do this?

Is it OK if I take off my shirt / top / bra / pants ?

What would do you like me to do for you?

It makes me hot when you kiss / touch / ….. me there. What makes you hot?

I really feel like makin’ love to you, ……… Do you feel like it too?

Have you ever …. ? Would you like to try it with me?

the phrases above are from consentissexy.org

But these phrases are what I like to call Kenna’s Kickin Consent Sexisms

“Do you want to try [insert super kinky fun move] if not it’s cool”

“I’m ready to [bow chica wow wow] can we?”

“I’d be interested in [insert verb in your super sexy voice] are you down?

If you’re bilingual “[whisper what you want to do in the other language you speak…then say it is English so romantic ;)]

Mine are silly but the ones from consentissexy.org above are very appropriate ways to ask for consent and you can tailor it to how you normally speak so you don’t sound like an automatic response. So what I want you all to do is remember that consent and clear concise communication with your partner can be fun and sexy but more importantly safe.

Have a good week all and Happy Homecoming!

the other quotes and information about consent were provided by the SHARPP website and the website consentissexy.org you can visit either site for more information on consent and communication.